It was the year 1990, exactly at 12:26 on December 27th.
I was returning home, I had just installed the new car radio, together with my future brother-in-law, and I was happy ...
I put the car in the garage, I get out, I leave the garage, I am going to close and then I hear a noise.
A dull, bradycardic, like "tumtumtumtum" noise ... I don't understand what it is.
I keep silent, listen and finally think: "oh look, an idiot forgot the car turned on inside the garage ..."
I move towards the source of that noise, now I can clearly hear it, it is a car engine ... HEY wait a moment! It makes far too much noise: how did the owner not notice it? I haven't realized it yet, I don't want to do it: I go back to the garage, I'm running, I take a stool and a torch, I go back and look through the breather.
And I see what I don't wish anyone to see, I distinctly see a green tube stuck in the window. I scream: "MAKE NO BULLSHITS!" (Even today I wonder how this phrase came out).
Fly to intercom to tell my parents: "CALL AMBULANCE AND POLICE: IN THE GARAGE THERE IS A SUICIDE!" And my mother replies: "who is it?", My answer was a distant, desperate, screamed: "WHAT THE HELL DOES YOU MIND "WHO IS", JUST MAKE THAT FUCKING CALL!"

I still haven't figured out who is in that car, I probably don't want to understand, I run again underneath, and I start to shoulder the garage door, a friend arrives and then we are two guys to hurl ourselves, with all our strength, against the cursed door. After a few minutes the door bends and exits the guides, enough for us to be able to fold it and create a passage.
I enter, and I finally understand.
The car is a Seat Ibiza, so there is no anonymous neighbor inside.
There is just my best friend, MIKE, founder, with me, of our "little group of bastards".
I take him out of the car, take him at open air, and he's still breathing.
I don't understand shit about medicine and I don't know how long he was in there. I only know that he is breathing and therefore I am moderately happy.
After a few seconds, spent with my friend's head on my knees, the police and the ambulance arrive, load him up and take off.
I have to stay there, I am a witness, I explain as best I can what happened to the policeman, and then I ask him to find out how my friend is doing.
He calls on the radio, and then: "HE'S DECEASED!".
"How, he's dead?? He was breathing!"
"No, he's not dead, he's deceased!" I can not say, with absolute honesty, if this was really the sentence that the policeman said, but this is what I still remember today, after almost thirty years, together with a loud "FUCK YOU AND FUCK IT TO ALL, GOD INCLUDED ! ", screamed and cried inside me.

I go home, I call everyone else, it's very late, but I don't think they will give much.
After ten minutes, we are all at my house, silent, staring like idiots.

Those looks ask only one thing: WHY ??
Because a splendid, intelligent 21-year-old boy, brilliant university student, with a future ahead of him, undoubtedly dotted with thousands and thousands of satisfactions, can suddenly become so blind as to see nothing but a black wall, and become so stupid as to think you can't get over it and not think about asking us for a hand?

I have been asking myself for thirty years, I have done all kinds of analyzes, I'm not stupid, I understood very well the contingent reason, but I also understood another thing, and this is the message that I want to give to everyone, who has kept reading so far: that fucking reason, whatever it is, is completely wrong!
I borrow a quote: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what happens to you" to which I add: "And if you don't open that fucking box, you will never know!".
Today, all of us Ruttagnoni are accomplished: we have a family, a job, a home. Simple things, big things, like our friendship, things that our friend would have had, that would have made him infinitely happy, and even today, all of us, we look back and we still ask ourselves "why?".
Why were we so much friends that we let you walk that little bit of the road without us, why were we so poor friends and so stupid that we didn't notice anything, that we didn't understand the abyss - the glass of water actually - in which you were getting lost, and finally, WHY DID WE NOT MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WITH THE HELL OF BLOOD ???

To conclude, to all of you who have followed me so far, I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, two things:

- Never despair, whatever happens to you, look around, search, dig: you will surely find a friendly hand that will lead you out of the dark.
- Always do, however, regardless, MIND OTHER'S FUCKING BUSINESS, especially if these are your friends, and do not be afraid to make the figure of the fools, better than regret it for a lifetime!

Fifteen years together,
for better or for worse.
How many football games,
how many bike rides.
Goliards together
in the first porn cinema.
My advices
for your first girlfriend.
Your was the letter
to the girl who hurt me.
I taught you to drive,
you helped me live.
Your was the shoulder
I was crying onto.
Scribes of kids, jokes,
together to dance,
together to conquer,
the girls, the world!
Then you got a little lost,
and I have been blind.
God !!! How many regrets.
Christmas'eve, your eyes a little sad,
but I haven't seen them.
I came home one evening
and your car was turned on
and you were inside.
Fifteen years together,for better or for worse,
but you have erased all
in a cloud of carbon monoxide.

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